Sleepyside Songs
by ams71080
Summary: Here is a glimpse into the lives of our adult B.W.G.s.
1. Ten Thousand Angels

The song is Mindy McCready's, not mine. The characters belong to Random House, not me.

_Speaking of the devil_  
_Look who just walked in_  
_He knows just where to find me_  
_Here we go again_  
_I can tell he's gonna ask me to dance_  
_But that's not as far as he wants to go_  
_I need ten thousand angels to help me tell him no_

Diana was back in Sleepyside, after six long years at college. Of course, she had seen everyone during her visits, everyone except him: Mart, the one-time love of her life, and the person she had missed the most. They had broken up after her freshman year of college, mutually deciding that a long-distance relationship was too much work, and not enough rewards. She had opted to go to California, and Mart had stayed in New York. Diana had stayed an extra two years, having changed her major to art history to become a museum curator and an expert on different types of art.

Honey and Trixie, her childhood friends and fellow Bob-Whites, had invited her to go to a new club in White Plains. All three young women were dancing, and having the time of their lives with their girls' night out.

Diana didn't know why, but when the door opened for about the fiftieth time since they'd arrived, she glanced over-- and then wished she hadn't. She inwardly groaned. _Why did I have to look right then?_ She wondered.

Mart was coming through the door. Diana's heart felt like it stopped. Her face drained of color, and she was having trouble standing.

"Diana, are you okay?" Honey asked.

"I just need to sit down," Diana fibbed, still gazing towards the door.

Trixie noticed the direction of Diana's gaze. "Oh, I forgot he comes here every Friday night. Sorry, Di, but I thought you could handle seeing him. I would have warned you otherwise."

Diana straightened her shoulders. "It's been six years. I'm okay."

Honey smiled sympathetically. "Are you trying to convince us or yourself?"

Diana smiled ruefully. "Actually, I'm trying to convince all three of us."

"Well, try harder. He's walking this way," Trixie informed her friends.

Diana tossed a horrified look over her shoulder. She knew Trixie wasn't lying, but she had hoped that Trixie was, just this once. "What am I going to do?" she wailed.

Honey smiled. "Talk to him. Maybe you two could be friends at least."

"Hey, Trix, Honey. I had been wondering where you two were this evening." He turned to Diana. "Diana? Is that you?"

Diana smiled timidly. "What would you do if I said 'no'?"

Mart laughed as if Diana had told a joke. "I'd tell you that you're more beautiful than ever, and then I'd ask you to dance for old times' sake."

Diana looked at Mart in confusion. "I said, 'What if I wasn't Diana'?"

Mart laughed again. "That's what I'd say. I'd pretend it was you anyway."

Diana just shrugged. "Well, it was nice to see you again."

"Wait a minute," pleaded Mart, gently grabbing Diana's arm to keep her from following Honey and Trixie to a table. "Can't we dance once for old times' sake? Seriously, this time."

_Lead me not into temptation_  
_Heaven help me to be strong_  
_I can fight all that I'm feeling_  
_But I can't do it alone_  
_Help me break this spell that I'm under_  
_Guide my feet and hold me tight_  
_I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight_

Diana struggled with emotions she'd been fighting every time she visited Sleepyside. She wanted to say no, but couldn't, once she had seen the pleading look in his eyes.She sighed, and then winced when she realized Mart had heard her, and his face had lost the hopeful expression.

"Diana, I'm not asking that we be the way we were back then. I'm just asking for a dance," he prodded.

"Mart, I don't know," Diana finally answered. "I just know that I can't go through all that again."

"Di, calm down. It's okay," he assured her. Her eyes were misty with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry." Mart was lookingvery hurt as he let go of Diana's arm.

"It's okay, Di," he repeated.

Diana sighed. "No, it's not. I'm not trying to be mean on purpose."

"I guess it's been too long for us to try to straighten everything out," Mart sighed.

"Mart, wait," Diana said, as Mart turned to walk away.

"What is it, Diana?" Mart had a hopeful look in his eyes, although his tone was carefully neutral.

"One dance, okay? For old times' sake," Diana gave into her feelings and Mart's puppy-dog expression. Mart gave her the biggest smile she'd ever seen.

_It's time to face my weakness_  
_Look him in the eye_  
_Lord knows it won't be easy_  
_But I've just gotta try_  
_I can't let myself get lost in his arms_  
_That's how I got my heart broke before_  
_I need ten thousand angels to walk me out the door_

Diana was nervous as Mart walked her to the dance floor. She inwardly winced when the band decided to play a slow song. It seemed that fate was against her. She mentally squared her shoulders as she tried to get her mixed emotions under control. All she could do was bury everything, something she was good at, so she did. She pretended Mart was a stranger who had just happened to ask her to dance. It worked until he started talking.

"Di, you don't have to look like you're on the way to the operating table. If you'd rather not dance with me, you don't have to," Mart told her.

Diana's face showed a fraction of her pain. "Mart, that's not it. I just don't feel very comfortable around you."

Mart sighed. "There was a time you did. I remember a time you were more comfortable with me than anyone else."

Diana blushed as she remembered the time she had told him that.

Mart smiled wistfully. "I wish we could go back there. I really hope we can at least become friends in the near future."

Diana smiled also. "I hope we can, too." _Maybe even more someday_, she thought to herself. She mentally slammed the door shut on the thought. _If we couldn"t make it together then, why should we be able to make it now? _She silently berated herself.

_Lead me not into temptation_  
_Heaven help me to be strong_  
_I can fight all that I'm feeling_  
_But I can't do it alone_  
_Help me break this spell that I'm under_  
_Guide my feet and hold me tight_  
_I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight_

Mart watched the emotions churn all over Diana's face. "What are you thinking about, Di?" he asked softly, hoping she was thinking along the same lines that he was.

Diana shook her head to dispel the thoughts she was having, and flashed a radiant smile at him. "I'm fine. I was just thinking against my will."

Mart nodded, and then admitted, "I've done that a few times."

Diana smiled gratefully, very happy that he hadn't commented on what a stupid remark she had made.

_I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight_  
_Ten thousand angels, watching over me tonight_  
_Ten thousand angels, watching over me tonight_  
_Watching over me tonight..._

Mart laughed. "I've been happier tonight than I have since we broke up."

Diana stopped dead in her tracks.

"I have to go," she stammered. "Go where?" Mart asked. "The bathroom," she squeaked, and then she took off running, dodging other couples.

She looked back once, only to see Mart standing still in the middle of the dance floor, the most confused expression she had ever seen on his face.

When she got to the bathroom, she leaned against the sink. After a few minutes of struggling against the tears that threatened to fall, she lost the battle. Diana wasn't sure how long she sat on the bathroom floor, with her back against the wall, before Honey and Trixie came in.

Silently, Honey and Trixie held a conversation. Honey knelt and put her arms around Diana in a sympathetic hug, while Trixie got some paper towels and ran cold water over them. With Honey and Trixie's help, Diana managed to calm down and quit crying.

"I'm sorry," Diana apologized. "I had no idea that I would fall apart like this."

Honey shook her head. "No apologies needed. It's normal that emotions will sometimes sneak up on you and slap you in the face, especially when you think you have it under control."

Trixie looked questioningly at Honey, wondering why she sounded like she was speaking from experience. Then she shrugged, reminding herself that Diana needed her right now. "Di, what happened," Trixie asked softly. "What did my brother say to you?"

"Nothing, Trix," Diana assured her. "It was just a case of emotional overload, like Honey said. I thought I could deal with him, but I guess I still can't."

Diana shook off her friends' concern by asking if they could leave. Instead of spending the night at Honey's like they planned, since Brian was at work, Diana asked to go back to her parents' house. She needed time to think.


	2. We're Really Not That Different

Disclaimer: See Author's Notes at the end.

Mart was enjoying his quality time with Diana**. **In just three months**, **they would be going to separate colleges, Mart into his sophomore year, and Diana into her freshman year. "At least we'll be in the same state," he murmured as he leaned down to kiss her.

Diana immediately stiffened in his arms. "Mart, I wanted to tell you sooner, but I wanted to wait until I was sure. We won't be in the same state for college. I-I've decided to go to UCLA," she finished in a rush.

"Why?" Mart couldn't help asking.

"Mart, I loved California when my parents took my family there. I just want to try to live on my own for a while before I settle down. Is that so bad?" She pleaded for his understanding.

Unfortunately, Mart wasn't feeling very understanding. He felt betrayed. _Why didn't Diana tell me when she applied?_ He wondered. Instead, he drew a deep breath. "Diana, what does this mean for us?" His steadiness surprised him.

"It won't change anything," she promised. "All it will mean is that we won't see each other as much, but the time we do spend together will be the most special times."

"All right, Diana, I'll believe that, because I believe in us."

_She said, we're much too different_**  
**_We're from two separate worlds_**  
**_And he admitted, she was partly right._

Mart was visiting Diana for the first time since she left six months before. She had made trips home, but never had much time for him alone, what with her family and the Bob-Whites.

"Diana, are you ready to come home yet? You've been here for a while. I'm only asking because I really miss you."

Diana looked at him tenderly. "I miss you too. I'm just not ready to come home and settle down yet. Can't you please understand?"

"No, Diana, I don't understand. Everyone misses you, and I know you miss home. I miss you," he finished quietly.

"I miss you, too," Diana told him. "But, please understand that I enjoy having my own life for now."

_But in his heart's defense he told her_**  
**_What they had in common_**  
**_Was strong enough to bond them for life._

Yet another visit to California, and Mart was still trying to convince Diana to come home. Diana was visiting New York less and less, and each visit was growing shorter and shorter.

"Diana, I miss you, and I hardly ever get to see you when you visit. By the time I find out you're there, you're almost gone."

"I'm sorry, but it's hard to go back. My parents still treat me like a child when I'm there. I have to ask their permission to do anything, and they even have a curfew for me."

"I'm not trying to ask you to give anything up. I don't even know your major! I just want to be in your life."

"Mart, I want to be in your life, too. I just can't right now. Why can't you understand?" Diana was starting to cry.****

_He said look behind your own soul,_**  
**_And the person that you'll see,_**  
**_Just might remind you of me._

"I'm really trying to understand. I just don't know why you can't be in New York. You know, with all of your friends."

"Mart, I have friends here, too."

"I know you do. But they're not the Bob-Whites."

"Of course they're not!" Diana was getting fed up with Mart always begging her to come home. "They don't even know about the Bob-Whites. The Bob-Whites are the absolute best."

"Then why are you ripping us apart?"****

_I laugh, I love, I hope, I try,  
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry.  
And I know you do the same things too.  
So we're really not that different...me and you._

Diana sighed. "I'm not ripping us apart. I'm just going my own way for a while. It's not a crime, you know."

"I know that," Mart sighed. "I'm sorry I said what I did."

"I know, Mart. I'm not sure this long-distance thing is working," Diana confessed.

Mart narrowed his eyes. "What long-distance thing?"

Diana rolled her eyes. "You know, us. I love you, and I love spending time with you, but not lately. You're bugging me to stop doing something I want to do, and I won't, but I hate hurting you."

_Now she could hardly argue  
With his pure and simple logic,  
But logic never could convince a heart._

"Diana, the only reason I ask you to is because I miss you. I love you and want you near me. Is that so bad?" Mart's eyes pleaded with her.

"Lately, yes, it is. You want me near you so much that you want me to give up what I want. I can't do that. Not for you, not for anyone. I want to go my own way for awhile."****

_She had always dreamed of loving  
Someone more exotic,  
And he just didn't seem to fit the part._

A few months later, Mart heard Trixie telling Honey about a letter she had received from Diana. Apparently, Diana had found a new boyfriend already, and sent a picture to his sister. Mart decided then and there that Diana was his past. Where he should look for his future, he didn't know. He just knew that if Diana had moved on, he needed to, also.****

_So she searched for greener pastures  
But never could forget  
What he whispered when she left._

Diana changed her major from acting to art history, even though it would add two years to her college career. Mart heard that she was excelling at her chosen path. He also heard from Trixie that she never kept a boyfriend very long, claiming that her boyfriends all got in the way of her dreams. Mart heard Honey tell Trixie that she thought that the reason Diana's boyfriends kept getting dumped was because they couldn't compare to Mart.****

_I laugh, I love, I hope, I try  
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry  
And I know you do the same things too  
So we're really not that different...me and you._

Somehow, Mart managed to convince everyone that hearing about Diana no longer hurt him, and he even proved it by going on dates with various other young women. Mart knew that deep in his heart, he would always be in love with Diana. No one could ever take her place. He finished college, with honors, with a major in agriculture and a minor in journalism. He got a job at the Sleepyside Sun, and waited patiently for Jim to open his school. Mart became a weekend partier, going alone to clubs, but never leaving alone. At least, he didn't until one particular night.****

_Was it time?  
Was it truth?  
Maybe both led her back to his door._

As he went about his usual Friday night plans at the dance club in White Plains, he stopped dead at the door. He couldn't believe his eyes. There, in the middle of the dance floor with his sister and his sister-in-law, was Diana. He convinced her to dance with him, and thought they were having a good time until she left the dance floor fighting tears. He left after getting questioning looks from Trixie and Honey, but before they came out of the bathroom. After six years, he had given up hope that Diana would ever return, yet here she was, the new curator of the Sleepyside Museum.****

_And as her tears fell at his feet,  
She didn't say, I love you;  
What she said meant even more_

The day after the disastrous dance club episode, Mart was at his apartment, rewriting an article for the third time. He jumped when the doorbell sounded. He shook his head, then went to answer the door. Diana, his Diana, was standing on the other side, with a fearful look on her face. "Diana?" he asked. "What are you doing here?"

Diana smiled timidly. "I came to see you. May I come in?"

Mart quickly stepped back to allow her entrance. "Of course. I'm sorry, please, come in."

Diana walked in and gingerly sat down on the couch. "I wanted to apologize for the way I ran out on you last night. It wasn't very nice of me."

Mart sat in a chair across from her. "It's okay. I figured it must have been a shock to see me."

"Well, you look great; better than ever, in fact." Mart could tell that Diana was very nervous.

"Diana, why are you really here?"

Diana blushed. "I called Trixie and picked her brain about you. I know you're not really seeing anyone. I," she hesitated. "I was wondering if you would take another chance on me," she finished.

Mart looked hopefully at her. "You mean, you want us to be together again?"**  
**_  
I laugh, I love, I hope, I try,  
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry  
And I know you do the same things too.  
So we're really not that different....  
So we're really not that different...me and you._

Three weeks later, they announced their engagement, with requests to have the wedding as soon as possible.

Author's Notes: The song We're Really Not That Different is sung by Colin Raye. I do not have permission to use it. The characters do not belong to me. They belong to Random House. I have just borrowed tham, and will now return them...until next time, anyway.


	3. Maybe He'll Notice Her Now

Honey was waiting for Brian to come home, as usual, his shift was running late. The problem was that he hadn't even called. He had been doing that a lot lately. A few times, he had called, but only to say that he was going out with friends.

Honey was putting more and more of the agency's work on Trixie, so she could be available whenever Brian had time to spend with her. Trixie hadn't said anything yet, but Honey knew she was getting annoyed with her put-offs.

Honey knew she needed to get away for a while to gain some perspective. She had an idea of where she could go.

She wrote Brian a note so that when he came home, if he did, he wouldn't worry. She crumpled up the piece of paper with her note on it, and tapped the pen against her lip. Maybe if he worried, he'd quit acting as if she didn't exist. _No, I'd better leave it,_ she thought, _I don't want to act as thoughtless as he has been._

_She wrote, "I feel just like that painting collecting dust on the wall  
And every day you walk right by me and don't know I'm there at all  
And I can't think of one single reason why I should be hanging around"  
She signed it, "I hope that you'll miss me," and she drove herself out of town._

Honey got into her little sports car, and drove to her parents' apartment in New York. For a moment, she wondered if Brian would actually notice the note. Then she shook her head and picked up her cell phone. She called Trixie to let her know she'd be gone a few days.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Her friend's voice sounded tinny through the slim phone.

"Nothing, Trix, I just need to get away for a few days. I need a break."

"Well, we have been working awfully hard. Call and let me know what's up, okay?"

"I will." The young women said their good-byes and Honey closed her phone. She fought tears as she headed into the city.

_Maybe he'll notice her now, maybe he'll open his eyes  
Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize  
Maybe he'll tell her she's the only thing that he can't live without  
Now that she's gone maybe he'll notice her now _

Honey pulled into the parking garage two blocks away from the apartment building. When she was in the apartment, she let the tears flow.

After a solid hour of crying, Honey sat up from the couch and wiped her face. She took a deep, shuddering breath, and decided on the next step. She gathered her favorite CD's, a can of diet coke, and went to take a long, refreshing bubble bath.

She ran the water as hot as she could stand it. As she slipped slowly into the water, she started to relax. Unfortunately, as soon as she did, the thoughts she had been holding back returned full force.

_Why am I not important anymore? Did he quit loving me at some point, and just hasn't fully realized it yet? Is there something wrong with me?_

Honey shook her head to clear her mind. Those thoughts weren't helping anything. They were just making her feel worse.

_When he came home late that evening, he called her name down the hall  
He saw the outline of the painting that used to hang there on the wall  
And in its place on the nail was a letter, he read it out loud to himself  
And the loneliness began to take over and for once he knew just how she felt _

Brian came home, tired from his long shift. He looked around the dark house, and realized how late it actually was. _Honey must have gone to bed_, he thought to himself. He smiled at the thought of his sweet wife all curled up under the covers. He made his way to the bedroom in the dark.

"Honey," he whispered, opening the door. He frowned when he saw the empty bed. He walked closer, rubbing his eyes as if he expected Honey to appear. He walked through the house, turning on lights as he went. There, in the living room, where their wedding picture had hung, he saw the note. He looked at the table against the wall, and noticed the portrait face down. He suddenly felt very cold.

_Maybe he'll notice her now, maybe he'll open his eyes  
Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize  
Maybe he'll tell her she's the only thing that he can't live without  
Now that she's gone maybe he'll notice her now _

Brian read the words Honey had written. He read how she felt alone and unappreciated. _I should have called her to let her know I'd be late_, he berated himself. Reading the words, at first Brian felt an over whelming sense of anger.

"I do this for her!" he yelled to the empty room. "I work so hard so that she wouldn't have to if she didn't want to. Is it so much to ask that I want to go out every once in awhile? She does!"

_She only goes out when you do_, a little voice in his head told him. _And she hasn't gone out half as much_. Brian ignored the annoying little voice that said she had a right to feel the way she did. _You can't ignore it or her. She loves you. She left because she couldn't continue to be hurt by the man she loves_.

Brian took a deep breath to calm down. Then he read the note again. As he read it the second time, without the anger, he realized that she had a right to her feelings, and that he had created those feelings of uselessness and unworthiness within her.

He tried calling Honey's cell phone, only reaching her answering service. Frustrated, he threw the phone on the couch. _Who could tell him where she went? _he wondered. He picked up the phone to call his sister.

After finding out from Trixie where Honey had gone, Brian again dialed into the phone.

_He called her up, he said I have been such a fool  
She said I will come back and boy I still love you_

The phone ringing startled Honey so badly she jumped up from a sound sleep. She looked around wildly until she recognized where she was. _I must have fallen asleep right after my bath_, she thought. Then she realized she'd better grab the phone.

"Hello?" There was a long pause. Just as Honey was about to hang up she heard her name. "Brian?" she asked softly.

"Honey, what's going on?"

"I left a note." Brian sighed. "I know. I got it. What brought this on?"

Honey sighed. "Does it really matter?"

Brian's words suddenly tumbled out. Before he knew it, he was telling Honey he loved and missed her, how he had felt when he didn't find her at home, and how he felt when he read the note. He felt tears come to his eyes as he finished talking.

Honey had tears streaming down her face as she listened to everything he had to say.

_Maybe he'll notice her now, maybe he'll open his eyes  
Sometimes it takes somebody leaving for a man to realize  
Maybe he'll tell her she's the only thing that he can't live without  
Now that she's gone maybe he'll notice her now _

"But how can we make sure this never comes up again?" she asked tearfully.

"All we can do is try," he answered.

Honey nodded, then realized that Brian couldn't see her. "I guess you're right. There are no guarantees, are there?"

"Honey, there are no guarantees for anything that's important. All we can do is try to talk whenever something is bothering us."

"That was the problem," Honey said quietly. "When I wanted to talk, you weren't there. When I tried to talk, you heard me, but you didn't understand what I was saying."

Brian let out a shuddering breath. He had hoped Honey would immediately say she would come home, if not that night, then surely the next morning. "Honey, I can't promise anything other than that I will listen to you. I may not have been doing that recently, but I still love you."

Honey was crying again. "Oh, Brian, I love you, too. I didn't want to leave, but if it helps us get stronger together, maybe I did the right thing in the long run."

"If that's what it took to wake us up, then I guess maybe you did."

Honey's heart soared. Then, she realized what exactly Brian had said about her leaving. She pushed the niggling doubt away. "Brian," she said softly. "Is there still room for me in our life?"

Brian's answer was an enthusiastic yes. "I'll see you soon."

_I'm coming home, maybe you'll notice me now_

Author's Notes: The characters are owned by Random House, not me, and I'm making no profit from them. The song is Maybe He'll Notice Her Now' sung by Mindy McCready. I do not have permission to use it. But I hope she's nice enough to give me permission if I ever ask her if I can use her lyrics. :)


	4. Amazed

Brian was watching his sleeping wife. After everything they'd been through for over the past month, she still loved him. She'd made him face the fact that he'd rather die than lose her. It had all started when she was feeling ignored and unloved. He had made her feel that way. Since then, they'd "graduated" from marriage counseling after learning how to communicate those innermost feelings and learning not to blame or accuse each other.

_Every time our eyes meet  
This feeling inside me  
Is almost more than I can take  
Baby when you touch me  
I can feel how much you love me  
And it just blows me away  
I've never been this close to anyone or anything  
I can hear your thoughts  
I can see your dreams _

Brian felt he knew his wife better than he ever had. He was making an effort to pay more attention, and Honey let him know she both noticed and appreciated it. Their anniversary was coming up. He was determined to show her how much she meant to him. He just didn't know that Honey was equally determined to show him the same thing. Brian was dressed in a suit, straightening his tie, when Honey walked in the room wearing her formal dress. As he was zipping her dress as she had asked him, he couldn't help but wish he was doing the opposite. Honey deserves this night, he sternly told himself. As he was thinking, he realized that he wasn't as stressed as he normally was. His chosen career no longer overwhelmed him. He had learned that if he focused on his wife at home, he could handle anything. Honey would always be there no matter what happened. They wouldn't take advantage of each other or their marriage.

_I don't know how you do what you do  
I'm so in love with you  
It just keeps getting better  
I wanna spend the rest of my life  
With you by my side  
Forever and ever  
Every little thing that you do  
Baby I'm amazed by you _

They went to the Glen Road Inn restaurant, where the Wheelers had made reservations for them. Honey let out a soft gasp when she saw how far her parents had gone towards making their three-year anniversary romantic. The restaurant was empty, the maitre'd commenting that it had been rented so the celebrating couple could have privacy. The meal had been ordered and Brian and Honey decided to exchange gifts. Honey's eyes glistened with unshed tears as she opened the jeweler's box to reveal an anniversary ring that matched both her engagement and wedding ring. Brian was equally touched when he saw his gift. It was a silver pocket watch. On the front, it had a gold medical symbol. On the back, Honey had the date engraved.

"Open it," she whispered. Brian opened it, and inside the front cover, he saw a small version of their wedding portrait. After eating, the couple danced to every slow song the hotel manager could find. Unfortunately for the situation, that wasn't much. After an hour of swaying in each other's arms, he wanted to get his wife home and into their bed. Brian signaled for the check. Instead of a check, they were presented with a note.

After reading the note, Honey looked at Brian curiously. "Is this for real?"

"I guess so," he answered. "It's signed by Moms, so I don't think it would be a joke."

Honey laughed happily. "First, dinner from my parents, and a room from yours. I wonder if they're giving us hints."

"Well, shall we see what's waiting?"

"Let's," she answered, smiling.

_The smell of your skin  
The taste of your kiss  
The way you whisper in the dark  
Your hair all around me  
Baby you surround me  
You touch every place in my heart  
Oh it feels like the first time every time  
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes_

When they saw the room, they both had to catch their breath. There was a silver bucket of champagne beside the bed. Honey, trained in observation, soon spotted a basket of bath luxuries, a pair of light blue silk boxers, and a short spaghetti-strap nightgown with a matching robe on the bed. A closer look at the nightgown revealed a pair of thongs that coordinated perfectly with the boxers and gown. She giggled, darted to grab the basket and was in the bathroom running water into the large tub before Brian could even blink. He heard her sounds of surprise, and went to see what she was happy to have found. The sight that greeted him made him immediately forget about the basket and concentrate solely on his wife. Honey smiled in pleasure when she noticed Brian staring at her.

"Hi," she said and giggled at his lustful expression.

"Hi," he whispered in a tone of total awe. When the water got cold, they got out of the tub and lovingly dried each other off. When they reached the bed, Honey reached for the enticing night outfit. Brian grabbed her hand. She looked at him questioningly. He shook his head and smiled suggestively. Honey smiled and blushed when he crushed her to his chest and gave her a deep lustful kiss. The bright sun shining through the window woke them the next morning. Honey stretched while Brian took pleasure in watching. When she was finished, he pulled her against him.

"Again?" she asked, with shining eyes.

"Oh yes," he replied. "I'm not about to let this go to waste."

Her giggles were muffled as he kissed her.

_I don't know how you do what you do  
I'm so in love with you  
It just keeps getting better  
I wanna spend the rest of my life  
With you by my side  
Forever and ever  
Every little thing that you do  
Baby I'm amazed by you _

That afternoon, as they checked out, the lobby seemed to fill with people.

"Happy anniversary!" the mob shouted in what seemed to be one voice. Brian looked stunned, and Honey gasped. Both of their entire families and friends were there.

Trixie shoved her way up to the front of the group. "We couldn't bother you yesterday or last night to have a party, but today is for you and all of us together."

The first part was a party at the lake. After a couple of hours of splashing around, the group dried off and went to the Manor House for dinner. After squelching the ideas of toasting the couple, Brian and Honey said they were tired and needed to go home.

Madeleine and Helen winked at each other.

"So I guess you got our hint," Helen commented.

"I hope that's why they're tired," Madeleine replied with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

"We should know in about four or five months, unless they decide to tell us themselves."

Blushing, Brian and Honey left.

_Every little thing that you do  
I'm so in love with you  
It just keeps getting better  
I wanna spend the rest of my life  
With you by my side  
Forever and ever  
Every little thing that you do  
Oh, every little thing that you do  
Baby I'm amazed by you._

After another bit of fun, Honey settled down to sleep.

Brian watched her, lost in his thoughts. _I can't believe I was so blind. I almost lost her because of my selfishness and fear. If I lost her, I'd lose everything that really matters to me._ He silently berated himself for past sins as he recalled the exact words of her note.

_Brian,_ _I love you. Let me make that clear. I wish I didn't feel_ _the way I do. The way you've been treating me lately hurts. I'm supposed to stay home unless I'm working_ _on a case. I'm supposed to be available whenever_ _you have time for me. And when you don't have time,_ _I'm supposed to wait until you do. I can't live like that._ _I can't be put on hold. I won't be put on hold. I love you so much, but right now, that love is causing too much_ _pain. I feel as if I'm only acknowledged by you when you_ _need something. I can't bear for you to cause more. I'm going to leave for a while. I'll be in touch._ _Forever,_ _Honey_

Brian thought about how that had been the kick in the rear to make him realize what and who was really important. If it took counseling to prove that to his beautiful wife, he happily agreed. It was worth it all, he reminded himself. Honey was his whole reason for living, and the intensity of those feelings still scared him. He'd learned that she felt the same way, but didn't let the fear rule her as he had for that short period of time. As Brian drifted off to sleep, he unthinkingly pulled her closer, and she instinctively nestled in against him and let out a pleased sigh.

* * *

Author's Notes: Thanks to Random House for having such great characters. Thanks to Lindsay for her great encouragement and the song suggestion. Oh, and the song is Amazed, by Lonestar. I do not have permission to use the song or the characters. I just used them for fun and am not making any money off this.


	5. Welcome To My Life

Dan was sitting at the bar he normally frequented. He had made an arrest earlier. This one had been more difficult than most. Not because it had been dangerous, it had been quite the opposite. It had been difficult because as he looked into that young face, he had seen himself years before.

_Do you ever feel like breaking down? _  
_Do you ever feel out of place?  
Like somehow you just don't belong  
And no one understands you _

Early in his life, Dan had known true happiness. He had lived with his parents and they showered him with love and affection. His family hadn't had much money, but what they lacked materially was never missed. Dan had heard that it's not material things a person remembers, but the people behind the things. This made perfect sense to him. He hadn't missed not having a roomful of toys. He had enough imagination to turn almost anything into a toy. He always had playmates. There were kids in the apartments around him. Even if there weren't any kids around at a particular time, his mom would always stop whatever she was doing to play.

Then tragedy struck. His father was dead. Dan felt lost and scared. His mom no longer spent time playing with him. She held him while she cried instead. Dan was determined to make his mother feel better. He quit playing with the neighbor kids to devote as much time as possible to his mother.

"Oh, my Danny boy, if your father were here, he'd be so proud of you," she'd say when he'd bring home his report card and when she met with his teachers and heard how well he behaved in school. Seeing the happiness in her eyes mixed with the sadness, he vowed to be even better.

"You won't go away ever, right?" young Dan would ask his mother.

"You don't need to worry about that, Danny," she'd answer with a reassuring smile. "I'm here for keeps."

One day, a newly teenaged Dan came home from school to find his mother in bed.

"I'm just not feeling well," she said, brushing aside his concern.

A year later found her too weak even to sit up. Dan tried to spoon-feed her soup every day and get her to drink water.

He came home from school one day to find a letter on his mom's night table.

_My Danny boy,_

_As you have no doubt figured out, as smart as you are, I'm not getting better. Look into my top dresser drawer and you will find the money I have managed to save for you. This is the last of your father's savings because I've had to use most of it when I became unable to go to work. You will also find a letter to a judge, instructing him to find my brother, William Regan, to take care of you. He knows nothing about you because we lost touch before you were born, but I know in my heart that he will love and care for you._

_I love you,_

_Mom_

His dear mother died that night.

_Do you ever wanna run away?  
Do you lock yourself in your room?  
With the radio on turned up so loud  
That no one hears you screaming _

When the emergency people came, he heard them talk to each other about what was going to happen to him. The first man suggested a foster home and the second man suggested a state school.

Those words scared Dan so much that he grabbed his backpack, in which the letter from his mom and the money had already been entrusted, and left the apartment as quietly as possible. When he got a safe distance away, he checked his bag. He was devastated to realize that not only did he leave his mother and would have no idea where she would be taken, but he had forgotten the letter to the judge. To make it worse, he couldn't remember the judge's name.

He knew he needed to find somewhere to stay until he could figure out what he should do, which was why he was relieved to run into Luke, a school friend, even though Luke barely showed up at school anymore.

Luke listened patiently as Dan told him everything that had happened.

Luke made the appropriate sympathetic noises until Dan mentioned that he only had a little money. That was when Luke turned friendlier than Dan could remember seeing him.

"Look, Dan, I can see you're having a hard time of it right now. Why don't you come stay with me for a bit and we'll figure something out."

Dan let out a long sigh of relief and nodded.

"There are a few other guys staying in the same place, but I'm sure that you'll get along with them."

Dan nodded again, grateful to have this much settled.

_No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels alright  
You don't know what it's like to be like me_

Dan had no idea that Luke was in a gang, in fact, was founder of the gang. All he remembered was that as a young child, Luke had been fascinated by cowboys. He decided the "Cowhands" on the back of Luke's jacket was a remembrance of the boy's childhood dream.

_To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked  
When you're down _

Within the next month, Dan was trusted enough to be asked to join the gang. Thinking over the matter carefully, he recalled that when he needed help, Luke had been the one to offer. He knew also that Luke had been pulling for him with the rest of the members. He wasn't just invited to join a gang; he was invited to join a family. To Dan's way of thinking, that's just what this gang was, a family where the members took care of each other no matter what. He soon had his answer.

That night, he was beat into his new family. He had a myriad of bruises and bloody scratches and cuts, but for the most part, he was okay. He understood that this was a test, not only to see what he could endure, but that he wouldn't squeal to the cops.

_To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
When no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like_

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?  
Are you sick of feeling so left out?  
Are you desperate to find something more  
Before your life is over?

During the next six months, Dan was grateful to the gang for including him. He went along on all their pranks willingly. Then they started the muggings.

_Are you stuck inside a world you hate?  
Are you sick of everyone around?  
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies  
But deep inside you're bleeding_

Dan had found out from watching that Luke's word was law. No one questioned his decisions. Everyone jumped to do his bidding. Dan had seen two members get beat out of the gang for refusing to obey Luke. The beat-outs weren't as gentle as the beat-ins. Both former Cowhands had ended up in the hospital in critical condition.

Dan hated the muggings, but did them anyway. He now carried a switchblade during the mini-hold-ups. Sometimes the members would work as pairs, but other times they'd work alone.

On the day Dan was caught, he was working with Luke. Dan liked the pairings best because he always played the decoy and never actually mugged anyone. Unfortunately, this time Luke picked a well-dressed elderly lady.

_No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels alright  
You don't know what it's like to be like me _

What they didn't know was that the little old lady wasn't a little old lady at all, but an undercover cop. Luke was able to get away, but Dan wasn't. He tried not to show his fear. It was easier than he thought because he was certain that Luke would come back for him. Because that's what families did.

_To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked  
When you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
When no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like_

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face  
And no one ever stabbed you in the back  
You might think I'm happy  
But I'm not gonna be ok

As the days went by, Dan began to face the fact that Luke wasn't coming. A talkative guard began telling Dan that an inquiry had been sent to try to find any living relatives. Without thinking, Dan mentioned his uncle, William Regan.

A few days later, the guard mentioned that William Regan had been found in Sleepyside working for a millionaire. Dan found his chance to get back in with his friends. He persuaded the guard to mail a letter to Luke by saying that the letter was to an old school friend who had been trying to help him.

As more days went by, Dan decided that no one was coming for him. Luke hadn't shown and neither had the elusive uncle. Dan decided that no one cared about him.

_Everybody always gave you what you wanted  
You never had to work it was always there  
You don't know what it's like  
What it's like _

The time came when Dan's uncle came for him after all and took him to live with an older man in the middle of the woods. Dan knew that was his uncle's way of saying that he didn't care. The older man, Mr. Maypenny, was nice, but Dan knew better by now than to care about anyone.

The worst part of this arrangement was going to school. There were his uncle's employer's two kids and their neighbors. They had it good, but didn't seem to notice. The boys were nice and the girls were very pretty, but he felt resentment towards the group.

_To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked  
When you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
When no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like _

A surprise came to Dan. Luke came to visit. Dan was happy to see him until Luke told him the reason. Dan could not, in good conscious, rob the Wheelers. He realized Luke had used him from the beginning when he threatened to turn Dan into the cops.

_To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked  
When you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
When no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like _

He would always be grateful to Trixie for helping him stick to his decision way back then. He came back to the present when he heard someone talking.

"Need another?" the bartender asked.

Dan looked around and noticed more people had come in. He saw a beautiful woman apparently alone. "No thanks, John," he said to the bartender. Then he got up and went to introduce himself to the woman.

_Welcome to my life_

* * *

Author's notes: Thanks to my wonderful editors. Thanks to a great friend for reading over it for me. Thanks to Random House for not suing me. The song is Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan and I didn't have permission to use it. Reganfan, thanks so much for encouraging me! Also, thanks to those who read this, reviewers or not.


	6. Somewhere I Belong

Zoe was sitting at a bar, contemplating her options. She was low on money and couldn't afford to go anywhere else. She'd have to find a job, no easy feat for a twenty-five-year-old woman who had never worked a day in her life. The truth was that she'd never been raised to learn how to take care of herself.

She looked up at a deep voice at the same table.

"Hi. My name's Dan. I couldn't help but wonder why such a beautiful woman is sitting here all by herself looking so worried."

She smiled. "Zoe," she introduced herself. "I'm just a natural worrier." He noticed she evaded his question.

Dan immediately sensed that she was not someone to try to pick up for a night. He pulled out a chair and sat down. "Maybe I can help. I'm pretty good at figuring things out, and that's what you're doing, right?"

She must have had too much to drink, for she found herself pouring out her life story for this nice stranger.

_(When this began)  
I had nothing to say  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me  
(I was confused)  
And I let it all out to find  
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind  
(Inside of me)  
But all the vacancy the words revealed  
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel  
(Nothing to lose)  
Just stuck/ hollow and alone  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own _

When Zoe was born in Boston, her parents had been thrilled. As an only child of a business tycoon and his beautiful socialite wife, she had never been taught how to look out for herself. Instead, for as long as she could remember, she had been groomed to become the perfect trophy wife for a rich and in-the-spotlight man. The man they hoped for was Brandt, the son of close friends of the same social standing.

Zoe was celebrating her seventeenth birthday with a lavish coming-out party when Brandt proposed. She felt strangely adverse to it, but because she knew it was what her parents wanted, she agreed. The engagement was a year and a half long. In Zoe's opinion, it was much too short. She felt she barely knew Brandt and that made her nervous.

After the wedding, she was made to wish she had listened to her instincts. At first, it was a slap here and there. Soon it progressed to bruises on her arms and legs. Two years later, she would be beaten and then bedded. It made her feel violated, as if she had been raped by some man on the street.

"Did you never tell your parents?" Dan interrupted her.

Zoe laughed scornfully. "I told them, even showed them the bruises.'It's a man's right to treat his wife how she deserves to be treated.'" She mimicked her father's tone. "My mom was sympathetic until I told her I wanted to leave him. She sputtered about the scandal, the family name, and the fact that Brandt's parents are very good friends. She didn't want me to deal that insult to them."

Dan softly cursed, wondering how anyone in this century could feel that way.

"I was twenty then. I believed everything my parents said. I thought I must be wrong. So I endured. I found out he had a mistress a year later. My mother said that men in our social standing did. As the wife, I was supposed to look the other way and pretend I didn't know."

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
Somewhere I belong _

At twenty-four, Zoe had become pregnant. Knowing she couldn't raise a child in that environment, she told her parents she was leaving Brandt. They called Brandt's cell phone and informed him. That night, the beating was so bad that Zoe had a miscarriage. On top of that, she was kept in her bedroom like a prisoner until all bruises had healed.

Without help from her parents and too ashamed to press charges against Brandt, Zoe bided her time. On her twenty-fifth birthday, there was a large trust fund that would come to her. She went to the bank and made sure Brandt had no way of getting his greedy hands on it. The trust wasn't so large that it would leave her in comfort while following her plan, but she prayed she could make it last.

Making her money last was hard for a woman who was accustomed to living in high style. Zoe did as much as she could before the money was hers. She felt a certain satisfaction that Brandt's money was paying for her new wardrobe of simple clothes.

Once the trust was hers, she used it to buy plane tickets to different areas of the country, never staying in one place too long. Once in New York, she bought a bus ticket to Sleepyside simply because it sounded like a nice, small town. _I can't believe I'm telling this stranger my entire life story. Come on, say something...anything!_ She thought to herself as she spoke. But Dan remained silent, only listening intently, quietly becoming outraged over her callous treatment.

_And I've got nothing to say  
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face  
(I was confused)  
Looking everywhere only to find  
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind  
(So what am I)  
What do I have but negativity  
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me  
(Nothing to lose)  
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own _

"That's it. I've been basically on the run for six months now. I know that Brandt and my parents are telling everyone I've gone to some spa in Paris, but I also know Brandt has put private detectives on my trail. I'm almost out of money. I can't afford another plane ticket. I'm not sure what I should do."

Dan felt his heart break at the look on her face. "I'll tell you what. Two of my best friends are private detectives."

Zoe looked alarmed and Dan rushed to put her at ease. "They'll have some ideas about how to keep you hidden. Maybe a legal name change, how to destroy the paper trail, things like that. As for a place to stay, I know a place for you."

Zoe considered her options. She didn't really have many. She accepted Dan's offer. "I can't keep running. I'm almost out of money, and I'm exhausted."

Once outside the bar, Dan called Trixie and Honey, who agreed to meet him at their office, even though it was after-hours.

"I can't afford an after-hours meeting with two private detectives, especially if they're as good as you said they were," Zoe hissed at him.

"It's no charge. They'll do it as a favor to me. They've been helping people for longer than I've known them. Now, a lot of their help is finding deadbeat parents who haven't paid child support and then refusing payment, because they know the people who hired them can't afford it very well, if at all."

"I hate the idea of a favor, but I guess I have no choice," Zoe conceded.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
Somewhere I belong _

Honey had called her parents to tell them to expect a guest for an undetermined amount of time while Trixie worked on cancelling the paper trail. Zoe stopped payment on tickets that hadn't been paid by the bank while Trixie paid them with cash, on credit. Zoe insisted on paying the detectives back every penny as soon as possible.

_I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
I will break away, I'll find myself today_

With references from the Beldens, Wheelers, and Lynches, Zoe was able to find a job and start paying her own way. The Wheelers wouldn't let her get a place of her own however. They insisted that they loved having someone to fuss over and care for since their children had grown up and left home. Zoe wasn't a child, but from all the things she was taught about running her own life, she may as well have been. After six months of learning things from each member of each family, she was finally capable of living alone. At that point, she realized she'd healed in spirit as well as body. She knew how to live on her own, but didn't want to do so. She also learned that Brandt had filed for divorce on the grounds of abandonment.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
Somewhere I belong _

During those six months, Dan was a fixture wherever Zoe was. She was healing. She no longer got a scared look in her eyes when he hugged her. She no longer tensed when he kissed her. She had, in fact, started initiating the kisses. The first time was when she learned the divorce had been finalized.

Once Zoe had been living in a house the Wheelers were renting to her for three months, Dan proposed. She happily accepted, knowing that this time, it was right.

Two weeks later, they were married by the Justice of the Peace in the Sleepyside Courthouse, as per Zoe's request. Such a crowd was there that the ceremony had to be held outside on the steps. Once proclaimed man and wife, Zoe found herself being heartily kissed.

The reception was held in the Manor House gardens. Zoe looked around at her new family, these three families that had happily taken her in to not only their homes, but their hearts as well. She felt a slight twinge of sadness that her own parents weren't there. She consoled herself with the knowledge that it had been their choice. Once she knew she wasn't in danger of being returned to Brandt, she'd called them.

Four months later, she told Dan she was pregnant. His joy at the news had her laughing joyously. Later that night, safe in the arms of her sleeping husband, Zoe sighed blissfully. _I've finally found it. I'm right where I was meant to be._ Dan, although asleep, sensed her happy sigh and held her closer.

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong  
Somewhere I belong_

* * *

Author's Notes: Only the characters of Zoe, Brandt, and their parents belong to me (although I'm not sure I want to claim any but Zoe). The rest belong to Random House. The Song is Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park. If you've never heard it, check it out. Thanks to El, Julie, Mal and Linds for going over it for me. They are extremely helpful ladies.


	7. In the End

_[It starts with]  
One thing, I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme  
To explain in due time _

Trixie had been dating Jim for three years now. They'd remained friends through their teen years and into their adulthood. When Trixie was chosen as Honey's Maid of Honor and Jim as Brian's Best Man, they'd spent a lot of time together. Ever since then, they were inseparable during their spare time. Trixie wasn't quite as happy as she felt she should have been, but she tried to make herself feel like she was. She was constantly berating herself for not being happy with what she'd wanted for most of her teen years. She figured she must be lacking something.

_All I know, time is a valuable thing  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
The clock ticks life away_

During a case she and Honey were involved in, she saw a husband and wife team arrested for drug trafficking. Rather than face the justice system, the husband had shot and killed himself. The wife was now under psychiatric care. She wasn't there because of grief for her late husband, but because she suffered a serious emotional breakdown from knowing that while she was free from her husband's oppressiveness, she wasn't free from justice and was guilty of things she felt she had no choice in doing. Trixie reluctantly admitted to herself that she could sympathize with the woman. The situations weren't the same, but the feelings were eerily similar.

_It's so unreal, didn't look out below  
Watch the time go right out the window  
Trying to hold on but didn't even know  
Wasted it all just to watch you go  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when_

That day, Trixie truly woke up to what her life was like. While Jim wasn't as bad as the dead man was, he still tried to control her in his own way. She'd been working safer cases unless she was asked for assistance from police or bigger agencies. She'd quit attending the monthly girls' nights with Diana, Honey, and a very pregnant Zoe. She'd also been spending every free minute she had with Jim. She'd even missed Zoe's bachelorette party in the city because Jim decided it wasn't safe to be there at night going from club to club, but he didn't stay home with her. He attended Dan's bachelor party. She wasn't blaming him for all of these things in full, but she admitted that she'd agreed only to make him happy, at the expense of her own happiness.

_I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter_

She looked hard at the things she wasn't happy about. She saw in hindsight that when she didn't suddenly follow his wishes that he'd gently manipulated her. Even so, she never let him know how it made her feel. She was afraid of losing him if she confronted him. She tried instead to change how she felt. She concentrated on the fact that it was his concern that made him worry and try to limit her. She knew she could be happy with him if she'd change her way of thinking. Then maybe she'd find that something she was missing.

_One thing, I don't know why  
Doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme  
To remind myself how I tried so hard  
Despite of the way you were mocking me  
Acting like I was part of your property _

Another thing she hated was how he felt she should let him know if she made plans with anyone. It wasn't like they were living together. She had her own apartment and he'd built himself a house on the property he'd inherited from his great-uncle. Even if he had plans with someone other than her, she was supposed to sit at home so as not to cause him to worry about her. He'd never said it in those words, but she knew that's what he'd meant. When she'd made plans to spend time watching movies at Manor House with Diana, Honey and Zoe, Jim had wanted her to cancel because he had plans for the two of them. She gave in and bowed out of the plans with the girls to spend more time with him. He let her know that he was going to have to break their date when it was too late for her to meet up with her friends. Even Honey had commented on the fact, and when recalling it, Trixie heard herself parroting the things Jim had told her. She hated herself for it.

_Remembering all the times you fought with me  
I'm surprised it got so far  
Things aren't the way they were before  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore_

She'd eventually seen that it wasn't just her way of thinking that would have to change; she'd have to change herself as well. She tried to temper her ways, telling herself that he had valid concerns and that she'd feel the same way if the situation was reversed. It worked for a while. She passed cases on to Honey, and even sent a few to other agencies and colleagues. Then it finally quit working. She started resenting him. Even though she'd never actually had a relationship before, she knew that wasn't right. So she tried harder.

_Not that you knew me back then  
But it all comes back to me in the end  
You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when_

Unfortunately, he'd never really let her know he cared for her. He said he appreciated the changes she tried to make, but it wasn't enough. He'd never uttered those three little words that would make it all worthwhile. She thought it would thoughts drifted to that first and last time she had told him she loved him. His look reminded her of a deer caught in the headlights. "Thanks," he'd replied, rather hesitantly. She hadn't even been able to finish the date with him. She told him that she was fighting a migraine and needed to go home. Once there she locked herself in the bathroom and cried until she really did have a headache.

_I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter_

It seemed to her that no matter how many changes she made, there was still something else. She felt she'd tried her best to be what he needed. Eventually, she'd fallen into a depression. She came close to losing everything she'd worked for, everything and everyone that truly mattered to her, even Jim. She just couldn't bring herself to try anymore. After a short time of allowing himself to be put off, he lost patience. He'd basically told her that if she'd just throw off her sad feelings, she'd be fine. No matter how hard she struggled to do just that, it didn't help. She'd ended up taking anti-depressants. He told her that he'd never realized she was that weak, that he thought she could handle anything life threw her way.

_I put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know_

The day came where she reached a difficult conclusion. She just couldn't go on living for anyone but herself. It was easier said than done. It didn't matter that she'd reached a painful decision because she couldn't voice it. It wasn't that she was afraid of Jim, she was afraid of losing him and her long-time dream. She and Jim had their first and last fight. He'd gotten upset because she'd met with a potential client while alone in the office. The main problem was that the potential client was male. He revealed his almost insane jealousy for the first time.

_I put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know_

"Jim," she'd screamed after enduring yet another lecture, "I'm an adult now. I know how to keep myself safe!"

"Well, excuse me for worrying about your safety," he'd shot back sarcastically.

"Why can't you trust me as I trust you?"

"Let me count the ways. How many times have you or someone who's working on your mysteries almost been killed? How many times has there been a potential for things happening when you get drunk with the other girls?"

Her eyes narrowed. "We still stay safe. Besides, we haven't drunk anything since Zoe got pregnant."

"And how long will that last?"

"Jim, I've tried to change myself to please you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."

She'd turned and walked out of his house.

It wasn't so much that she missed him or what they had, she missed what they could have had. Even so, she was glad to be living her life for herself.

_I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall  
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter_

* * *

Author's notes: The characters (except for Zoe) belong to Random House. The Song is Linkin Park's In the End. Thanks to the best editors in the world: Viv, Julie G., and Julie S. Thanks to Linds and Teresa for not letting me give up. Also, this is the second to last Song before it is unofficially complete. *tear* Of course, you never know what will happen in the future. I DO have three other universes/stories to work on, so I will be kept busy.


	8. Breaking the Habit

It had been two months since Trixie had walked out on him. The worst two months of his life. He still didn't quite understand what had happened between them. He knew he'd made a mistake with his answer when she told him she loved him. At the time he was battling a need so strong that he had to distance himself from her. Besides, other than that one night, she'd never expressed any unhappiness. From the fight they had, it appeared that she felt he was mostly at fault, expecting her to change into something completely different than what she was. Yet she hadn't made any objections to his suggestions, so he thought she'd wanted them, too. As much as he denied it to himself and everyone who dared to ask, he missed her.

_Memories consume like opening the wounds  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again  
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose  
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused_

There was one night he'd met Brian, Dan, and Mart at a new restaurant for dinner. He'd figured that Trixie had rejoined the monthly girls' nights. Dan had brought pictures of Ian, his newborn son. He was pretending to have a good time with his friends when he heard a familiar laugh. He whipped his head around, only to see Trixie with a guy that looked vaguely familiar. He frowned as he tried to place Trixie's date. It hit him suddenly that it was Christian, his gardener's assistant. He felt a stir of anger before he pushed it back down deep, reminding himself he'd had no right to be upset. _Whatever it is, he must be doing it right,_ he told himself after trying to find a memory of Trixie laughing like that with him. He made his excuses and left for home. He had a lot of thinking to do.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream...  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean...  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright...  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight _

Once home, he sat in the darkness to contemplate just when and where his relationship with Trixie had gone wrong. Pondering hard, he saw a few things about himself he didn't really like. He pressed his will on her. The crazy part was that the things he'd loved the most about her, like her zeal for life, her eagerness to experience everything, and the light shining through her eyes, were the things he'd tried to crush. Reflecting further, he realized that it was his way of trying to keep her safe, so he wouldn't lose her like he'd lost some of the most important people in his life. _Well, you lost her anyway, didn't you? You pushed her away_. The rational part of him realized that he never even noticed what he eventually accomplished. After all, she'd never told him how she felt about his version of protection.

_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more than any time before  
I have no options left again  
I don't want to be the one the battles always choose  
Cuz inside I realize that I'm the one confused _

Over the next few days, he tried to better himself, to learn to back off in certain areas with other people. He tried to be better about holding his temper and telling people how he felt. He did not provoke Christian into a fight when the man came to do his job, and Jim gave himself a pat on the back for that one since the temptation was so strong. He also made a point to talk to Trixie whenever he saw her, even if it was just "hi."

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream...  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean...  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright...  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight _

The fear in her eyes lessened each time he talked to her while keeping his distance. He scared her, but he was slowly lessening that emotion of hers by keeping his distance and his intentions to himself. Slowly, she became comfortable enough to talk, really talk, when he'd start a conversation. The day came where she initiated a conversation. It was all about the school he was readying, but it was still a step. He'd also heard from Honey that while she dated Christian a few times, it was just casual, and they were more friends than anything. He found he could deal with her having male friends that he didn't count as his own.

_I'll paint it on the walls  
Cuz I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
and this is how it ends..._

Another month had gone by before he had the nerve to ask her to share dinner with him. She cautiously agreed. They spent the evening talking about old times and mutual friends, namely the Bob-Whites. Jim worked at keeping the conversation light-hearted. He didn't want to alarm her. He barely restrained himself from skipping when she agreed to another date. They kept moving at a turtle's pace, slowly allowing their discussions to get more personal. After two weeks, they hesitantly started to talk about what had gone wrong in their relationship. From her descriptions, Jim could see that permitting him to make all decisions while she hid what she felt was what had slowly drained her of the more positive feelings. He also saw that he looked like a complete jerk in her eyes. He resolved to be better about not taking control. She admitted that she understood why he wanted to control everything, but couldn't live with it.

_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream...  
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean...  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright...  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight_

They ended up regaining that closeness that they'd both thought was gone forever. Once that was accomplished, Jim took Trixie out for a celebration. Over their meals, he managed to make her laugh and reveled in the sound of it. He promised himself that he wouldn't take such things for granted ever again. After dinner, they went to Sleepyside's highest hill with the best view of the moon and stars. There, he went down on one knee and proposed. She accepted, tears running down her cheeks. "These are the only tears I ever want to cause you. I love you," he'd told her. She threw her arms around him like she'd never let go.

They were married soon after, in a small ceremony under the flowering crabapple trees. They'd both grown up enough to accept and deal with each other's faults and celebrate each other's strengths. There were still a few problems, but they learned to communicate and made it through them.

* * *

Author's Notes: These characters are not mine. I'm making no money from them. The song is not mine. It's by Linkin Park. I'd like to thank Lindsay for sticking with this until I was able to get it uploaded and for letting me borrow Christian from Keeper of the Horses. I'd also like to thank my editors Viv, Julie G. and Julie S. Too bad they probably don't even remember editing this one, huh? LOL By the way, I'm still looking for a beta for a couple of new stories and Soaps. I can't in good conscience upload stories un-beta'd. I cannot catch my own mistakes very well.


End file.
